Better Off Alone
I wish I could write a post on how things have gotten better since my cheating incident… but i cant.
Its been a seesaw ride since my post, a constant back and forth of working through it and then giving up. Its becoming a routine now that when I get back from work we don’t speak for a few hours and then gradually start again, make friends, spend hours talking, decide to work together in going forward, sleep together, wake up kissing each other and joking around but then on the way to work it all starts going sour again and once I am at work the fighting begins and so does the cycle…
He is constantly throwing in my face what I did, constantly asking me questions like “why a colored man”… I don’t see race, I don’t see color, I see a man who showed me the attention I craved from you!!! He is forever reminding me about how I ruined the relationship we had, how he’ll never look at me the same, trust me or respect me the same… I’m at the point now where I’m like “really? It was JUST a small, stupid mistake of a kiss!! You’re carrying on like it was a year long affair of fucking each other!!”
There’s two sides to every story, his, mine and the truth and the truth is that he has done and said things to me in the past that I can never forgive, that has grown a wedge between us and had made me fall out of love with him. Yes, I am not perfect and I have made my fair share of mistakes but never to the extent of what he has done.
I realise that this is a blog that I some day want to show my daughter and for that purpose I cannot over indulge in what our past contains as he is her father and he does deserve her love… But at the the end of the day he should have seen it coming and he should have seen it as a wake up call to start appreciating me more and stop taking me for granted.
I love him, I really do and perhaps that makes me a bit psychotic but it is what has kept me waiting and trying to see if we could work through all of this but I just don’t think I can… I am hurting just as much as he is (if not more) but he is just too self absorbed to realize!!
I am done trying, I am better off alone. I don’t need a man telling me what I can wear, how long I am allowed to be on my cell or the PC for, what music I can listen to and how much make-up I am allowed to wear. I am going to do what I want, how I want, where I want and with who I want and nobody is going to tell me different, especially not a man who does all of that himself!! Hopefully some day I will find someone who will love and appreciate me for me!! Until the, I think I need to find ME and Happiness within me first!